The final, final stretch.

I chopped off all my hair and I look freaking adorable. More on that later.

It's nearly 3am. And this is it. Studying my ass off for the Macroeconomics final that will decide if I pass or fail. 75+ = pass, under 75 = fail. My track record is not a great one, highest test score has been a 68, fingers crossed on this one. This is it. If I don't pass this class, I need to scrape together 1000 dollars for a gen ed next winter or else I can kiss graduation in Spring 2010 goodbye.

One test, decides my fate.. that's so crazy. 4 tests, that is all that this class is based on. Had there been homework.. or at least one paper.. maybe even a few in-class assignments.. I would be fine. But, no. This class, like others that I have failed or passed by the skin of my knee, was purely based in tests. I have ADHD, my memory is horrible, I can study for hours, but I probably won't remember it the next day. I can review my notes in the morning, nothing will stick if I can't make it relevant to me. And monetary policies and reserve ratios, really don't stick out in my mind. I test horribly. And I end up in these gen eds where the entire class is based on a few tests. I have had quite a few of those this semester. Thankfully, in the other classes we had quizzes, in-class assignments, and presentations to save me. Not so much in macroeconomics.

4 tests. Should that even be legal? What are we learning from that? That we can cram a bunch of information into our brains for a test and forget it all once we finish? 30 little multiple choice questions. I need to work through problems.. I need examples.. I need some way of learning this stuff other than lectures and tests. Stupid class. Stupid, stupid class.

The worst part is, I didn't even need this class that is going to decide my fate.

4 tests. 3 days of work. And I am free for 4 weeks. I just need to get through it with all passing grades. At this point, I know I am passing everything else. Macroeconomics terrifies me.

Back to studying. I might get some sleep tonight.

Just maybe.

Update: I woke up. I went in. Most of the test, except a few questions, were on the review. Fingers crossed that I missed less than 7. I only doubted about 5.. I will pass this class.. I will pass this class..

I definitely need a hair cut.

I stumbled across a picture of me from last winter at a family event.. I had short hair and I really liked it.. and I really miss it. My hair is getting on my nerves. It keeps whipping into my face and getting all tangled and messy. I wanted it to grow out and be long again, but I honestly don't like it when it's all long. I also wanted it to grow back to natural color.. turns out that I don't like that either. So, I want to dye it a deep, rich chocolate-y brown and get it cut like this:







Oh yes.. current blech hair:



Except it's a little bit longer than that.. that was about 2 or so weeks ago.

So, Friday, cut and color, all new pretty pretty hair. I am VERYYY excited.

But, alas, now I must scamper off to work. Laters.

The final stretch.

Here it is. The last official week of classes of the Fall 2008 semester. 2009 is soon upon us.. a mere 31 days away. Three Monday, Wednesday, Friday classes. A mere two Tuesday, Thursdays. This time next year I will hopefully only be a few weeks and a semester away from graduating college. Graduating. College. Wow. I think for now I should focus on passing the current ones. The only class that worries me is Macroeconomics at this point. Astronomy and World Geography will unfortunately be Cs or Ds. Marketing and Textiles should be As. And of course Choir is an A. The main goal is to get my GPA up to a 2.5. It really needs to happen. Or else I'm technically not allowed to be in my major. So, I need to kick my ass for finals. Maybe I can pull off a B in Astronomy. Maybe. ..for some reason the Fall semester is always so much worse than the Spring.

So, this past weekend was Thanksgiving break. Thankfully, I so needed the break.

And also, my boyfriend visited the whole time of it, left earlier this afternoon.. always makes me incredibly sad when he leaves. We had a splendid time together though. The long distance part sure sucks, but it makes the time we do have together better. Except.. it would probably be that way all the time, because it's just how we are, but still.. seeing him after five weeks without him is delightful. Throughout the weekend we visited my family and his family, saw Quantum of Solace, chilled at U of L with the BFF Faith, played lots of Rock Band, dined on Spaghetti Factory with my roomie Rachel, enjoyed Qdoba, had some free frozen custard, played with kitties at PetSmart, ran around Half Price Books, other stuff, and enjoyed plenty of lazy and fun time together.

I miss him so much already.. hopefully this time next year he'll be here with me. Hopefully. The long distance sucks and I get through it, but I would obviously much prefer to be with him every day. When I'm away from him for so long.. I get clingy when I'm finally with him. Not clingy.. but I do like to pretty much constantly be near him during that time. I don't think he minds too much. I like to tell myself it won't be that when we're finally together on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure it won't be.. I'll let him do his thing.. I'll do mine.. it'll all be normal. No more crazy tiny little visits. I haven't been with my boyfriend in over a week or even a week since May of 2007 and he wasn't my boyfriend back then. No telling when normal will actually happen though.

Now, I have until the 16th. Only a few weeks.. I can handle that..

Well, I better get to sleep.. or else.. bad things will happen.. like sleeping through class. A have a few homework things to get done too. Later.

Pre-mature apartment hunting and ranting about gay marriage.

So, I'm bored, and I'm just going to write about a lot of stuff. Whee.

Lately, my friends are pushing me to get an apartment with them next year. I would absolutely love to. The only problem is the cost. If I could earn a lot of money this summer, I would be fine, but I doubt that is going to happen. The second option is my parents. An apartment, depending on where we get it, will be between 350 and 450 a month, which is not bad at all compared to the price to live on campus.. but I would have to convince my parents that this is a good idea. So far I'm working with, smaller meal plan, so much cheaper than the dorm, no parking pass, etc.. etc. We keep talking about it and it needssss to happen. We are looking at the Gables right now. Originally we were looking at College Suites, which is really nice, but about 75-100 dollars more. The Gables are fine. Furnished, only have 2 bathrooms, but since we are all roommates separately right now.. we could handle 2 bathrooms. And I like the kitchen set-up of the Gables.

My main reasons for wanting to live off-campus are:
1) I am going to be a freaking college senior, seniors don't live on campus.
2) I am going to be 21 and I don't want to sneak alcohol into my dorm like someone that is underage.
3) Cheaper, much cheaper than living on campus.
4) More meal options. I'm the type of person who will go out and buy something to specifically make for dinner. I love cooking.. and I would love to make my own dinner every night.
5) No checking people in.
6) After a long night at work, being able to come home, grab a beer, sit on my couch, and talk with my roommates before we all head to our respective rooms.
7) Hopefully my boyfriend will be here and I'll have my own room and stuff :P
8) Being able to decorate the apartment!

I could come up with so many more reasons, but I'll stop for now.

..originally I was going to rant about gay marriage after talking about that, but I don't know if I want to. Because, once I start, I don't know if I'll be able to stop. I will simply say this.. the Bible says the marriage is about love.. not EVERYONE believes what the Bible said.. banning gay marriage is like forcing everyone to believe what the Bible says. I'm a Christian, in the loosest way, and rather open-minded. Marriage is about love. You marry the one you love. Who are we to restrict people by forbidding them to marry the ones that they love? Straight, gay, bi, transsexual, whatever, it's all a choice. And marriage should be a choice. It IS a choice.. it is a huge decision that you make. And if someone who is gay wants to marry the one they love, then they should be allowed to do that. I still can't believe that Proposition 8 was passed in every state that it was proposed in, but alas, they are not going down without a fight. Which makes me happy. I hope they win. Marriage is not man + woman.. I want to punch people in the face that say that.

Here's the correct formula: Marriage = LOVE.

If I was ever debating gay marriage with someone and they threw out, "Marriage equals man plus woman," I would punch them in the face say, "Marriage equals love you dumbass," and kick them down, and spit on them..

This rant was inspired by a Dr. Phil commercial.. apparently he is having a debate about it.

So.. I'm gonna go now, do.. something.. probably just sit here.. but.. I'll just keep ranting if I don't stop.

Laterness blog world.

New Killers album!

I love my awesome boyfriend and his ability to scour the internet to see if things have leaked.. likeeee.. the Killers Day & Age! Which doesn't come out till next week, but I have right now, SQUEE! It is a pretty spiffy album.. and has me uber psyched for the concert on January 31st 2009! MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS! Haha. 2 months and 12 days away according to my little countdown thing on Facebook. YAY!

I closed at work tonight for the first time in God only knows how long.. and I didn't mind it that much. I'm convinced that as long as they let me run food or work the expo window at work, then I'll be okie-dokie. Cashiering and hosting is boring and my peppy mood quickly deflates. I wasn't even pissed off once tonight, mildly frazzled.. but not pissed off even once. Magical. I worked for 6 glorious hours. Yes, glorious hours, because I am poorrrrr. I close once more this week and have an early shift Saturday. And Thursday I've got a basic 5-8.

Only one week until I get to see the boyfriend for the first time in 5 weeks. 5 weeks is a bitch long of a time to go without seeing him. It will thankfully soon be over and we can enjoy 5 amazing days together.

Eww.. I smell like an ashtray.. because of work, if you walked by me.. you would think I was a smoker.. it gets in my hair blech.

This album is spiffity spiff.. omg I can't believe I am REALLY FINALLY going to a Killers concert.. I have wanted to go to one of their concerts since the first time they came to Louisville, they've been twice or thrice more since then. Now I am finally going to see them in Nashville, I am uber happy beyond words about that. Sure, my dad got extremely pissed about it.. butttt, I got my tickets and I'm going and I couldn't be happier about that.

School is coming to a close on the near horizon.. I get to see my boyfriend in a week.. Christmas is coming.. New Year's celebrations aren't far away (hopefully I get to celebrate them with the boyfriend).. 6 glorious weeks of winter break are soon.. and I'm going to see the Killers in the first week of the new school year. It looks like the next two months are going to be good times.

Now, is 2am.. and as soon as I finish listening to this lovely album.. is time for me to get some sleep, so that I don't sleep through class once again.

Various ramblings of late..

Oops.. I forgot to update.. I did get my car back, I had to cut a deal though.. give my dad 100 dollars for car insurance on the 20th (beginning in 10 days) of the month and 50 on the 10th (beginning in December). I also am not allowed to drive anywhere except to work and back and of course, to Louisville and back on days when I "need" to be home, key is need, not want. Like, I want to go home this weekend, because there is nothing for me to do here and I don't have work, however, my dad has forbidden it.

..so why am I risking everything to go to Louisville and not even tell him I'm coming back? It's my best friend's birthday and since I have nothing obligating me to Bowling Green this week, why shouldn't I be able to come home? Mostly because my dad is crazy, but I'm risking it, whatever.

Yeah, I'm tired of him. And no telling when I'll get out.. eventually.. at some point, whatever, I'll cut corners like this weekend until then.

Now, on to other things, like, how I probably won't graduate until Spring of 2011 if Mark Simpson doesn't let me into his Intro to Interactive class. Because I need that this Spring, then I need Interactive in the fall, and the Advanced Interactive class in the Spring. Sooooo, fingers crossed that I get into that class. The only positive part of me being here until Spring of 2011 is if my boyfriend returns to Western in the fall, then, of course, he'll be here until at least then and stuff.. and that will be good.. but, I don't really know about any of that. Anyway, I just hope that I can get in to the class. I think I can, but you never know.

My NEW schedule, modified like a jillion times.. looks like this.. hopefully.. but, I do have alternates for tomorrow morning at 5am.

Monday Wednesday Friday
JOUR300-001 9:10-10:05
SPAN102-003 10:20-11:15 [C]
MUS340-001 12:40-1:35
JOUR348-001 1:50-2:45 [C]

Tuesday Thursday
JOUR340-001 9:35-10:55 [C]
SOCL300-003 11:10-12:30
ENG200-022 12:45-2:05

[C] denotes closed.. so I have these alternates lined up
DMT333-001 MWF 11:30-12:25 [not blocking]
BCOM364-500 M 5:30-8:15 [not blocking]
JOUR343-001 MWF 10:20-11:15 [Spanish]
DMT322-001 TR 2:20-3:40 [not blocking]

So, on that.. I'm getting back to studying for Astronomy.. er, beginning to study for Astronomy.

OH! I forgot to mention.. I bit my tongue at some point last week and now my tongue is all tingly on one side.. and I looked at it yesterday and there is a distinct mark and bite mark.. it's bad times. I hope I didn't damage some nerves forever or something. That would suck.. I rather like my tongue..

My car and my life are gone.

I've had a car since I got my license when I was 16 and a half years old. The only time I haven't was my first year of college. The car I drove, I paid 600 dollars for, of my own money, none of his. I pay for the gas in that car, I pay for the maintenance in that car, everything about that car, with the exception of the insurance on a few occasions, I pay for.

I miss two of my insurance payments and my dad has to take the hit.. 200 dollars.. in two months.. what a hit. Oh wait, no it's not. I'm sorry dad, I'm going to school full-time, taking 16 credit hours and working whenever I can. But, my current employer has hired far too many people.. so, I'm getting two days a week.. in that time I may or may not accumulate 4 hours each of those days.. I'm getting less than 20 hours, in two weeks. The money that I do make, should immediately go to the bill, yes, I'm wrong there.. but when you're friends are like, we're gonna go see a movie.. wanna join? Or, let's go get dinner somewhere. ..how am I going to say no..? If I say no, my only other option would be to sit alone in my dorm room while everyone else goes out.. and I earned my money.. I want to spend it on stuff that I want. Like food with my friends.. but, apparently.. I'm not allowed to do that.

Since I can't work a full time job during school all the money I do make should be going into my car, every last penny. My parents shouldn't have to pay for anything more than school. I put the gas in my car, I buy the food that I eat, anything else, it's coming right out of me.. oh wait.. I just barely made 100 this pay period. Oh, well.. I guess you can just pay the car insurance. And that should be my mindset.. but I have a problem.. I do spend too much money, but going out with my friends sounds a lot more appealing than sitting alone in my dorm room.

But, that's going to become my life. I go to class.. I come back.. eventually I head out to dinner.. and that's it. I will have no money to go anywhere or do anything. That's how my dad has wanted it the whole time. I'm going to slip into depression.. I'll probably end up dropping out. He has no idea what it's like to be in an empty dorm room.. sleep alone every night.. spend time with just yourself all day.. well, yourself and all that wonderful homework.

I'll still see my boyfriend, but I'll no longer be able to do it on my own. He wants me to find someone closer, as if that's an easy thing to do.. oh, well, you live far away.. so.. yeah, can't do this. No, I love my boyfriend.. more than.. more than anything. Without him, I don't like to think of how my life would be. I wish he was here to hold me together right now, because I am completely falling apart. I want to move away from here and I want to be with him.. but I guess that isn't happening.. I have no job.. no car.. no life.

Oh, did I mention.. my aunt died on Friday afternoon. That's why I came home.. to be with her family in their time of need. I dropped everything to come here.. I called off work.. I called off presentations.. because I wanted to be with them in their time of need. My dad uses this situation to berate me to no end. I drank so much vodka on Friday night that I probably had alcohol poisoning, but I didn't care because I wanted to numb my pain.. I can't cope with death, so I used alcohol to just take away all feeling.

I did something stupid Saturday morning.. that's what was his final straw. I found out Wednesday that The Killers were playing Nashville in January.. I had to go.. I just had to.. I've missed them 3 or 4 times in Louisville and I just had to make it happen this time. So, I did it, I bought concert tickets. It was stupid, it was expensive.. but I just had to go. He finds out. Now, my car is gone. All gone.

The car I paid for with my own money.. the car I put gas in.. the car I pay for maintenance on. I miss two insurance payments and that's the end. It does not matter. None of it matters.

I'm not financially responsible.. let's just wave off the fact that my mom.. well.. I won't go there..

..maybe I'll find a way through this, I work so little right now that my roommate might let me borrow her car, then again, she won't always be on campus, and it isn't exactly dependable. No, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I never really want to see my dad again. I hate him more right now than I can bear to describe.

I'm gonna go.. none of what I said probably made much sense.. I don't know what to do right now.

..maybe I can work out a deal. But, I doubt it.. my life is over.

Xanga is for 16 year old girls.

My plans for the early hours of Wednesday morning, which is now.. are listening to the RENT Soundtrack (I randomly felt an urge).. and working on my PowerPoint for Textiles.

I love singing along to this soundtrack, it's just delightful. Judge me and make fun of me if you want boyfrienddddd, call it overrated.. but it brings me joy. Whee.

This conversation:
StoogeontheLoose: weeee xanga
pokaspot88: xanga?
pokaspot88: xanga.. really.. xanga
pokaspot88: i didn't know you were a 16 year old girl
pokaspot88: :P
pokaspot88: why are you on xanga?
pokaspot88: do you also have a secret xanga?
StoogeontheLoose: just randomly flipping through my old one
StoogeontheLoose: and no
pokaspot88: kay
pokaspot88: i never got into xanga
pokaspot88: i was all for the LJ though
pokaspot88: oh lj..
StoogeontheLoose: why ask about secret xanga
pokaspot88: because you had a secret blog..
StoogeontheLoose: i did?
pokaspot88: yeah.. that you told me about last night
StoogeontheLoose: ah
StoogeontheLoose: well, was not so secret, really
pokaspot88: yeah, but i didn't figure it out.. and you did not speak of it.. so kinda secret
StoogeontheLoose: also, i lied
StoogeontheLoose: i did have a secret xanga, but it was laaaaame
pokaspot88: you need to quit lying..
StoogeontheLoose: i forgot about itttttt
pokaspot88: makes me a sad face
pokaspot88: secrets don't make friends and stuff
pokaspot88: when did you have a secret xanga?
StoogeontheLoose: ages ago
StoogeontheLoose: and you'll never knoooooow about it
pokaspot88: fine then
pokaspot88: then you'll never know about my secret journal either
StoogeontheLoose: no sweat
StoogeontheLoose: its secret for a reason, silly
pokaspot88: but mine is locked on my computer and no one can see it, so its k
StoogeontheLoose: seeeeeeeeeee
StoogeontheLoose: yyeah
StoogeontheLoose: mine i think was protected
StoogeontheLoose: so
StoogeontheLoose: there's that
StoogeontheLoose: i don't even feel like trying to bother with xanga
pokaspot88: yeah.. xanga is a scary place
pokaspot88: for emo kids
pokaspot88: and high schoolers
pokaspot88: LJ is just for emo kids
pokaspot88: real people get blogs
pokaspot88: and babble on there
StoogeontheLoose: and will look back in three years and be ashamed

Inspired me to read my old El Jay. Jesus Christ. I was a little emo kid. Like, I like to think I am much more mature than when I was writing in my LJ. I like to pretend at least. I know I have gotten a little better. That LJ was the pathetic ramblings of an 18 year old.. well if I went all the way back to the first entry, May 3rd 2004 until July 28th 2007, which is just after I turned 19. That's from the age of 15 until 19.. which is a longggggggg time. Lots of pathetic teenage ramblings in there, but at least I have them. ..not to mention the tons of journals I have from age 12. I made sure I was never going to forget about my life. Every tear, every laugh, every memorable moment.. I tried to record it. I remember writing about when we went to war.. lately I've really wanted to read that. I was a mere.. 14 years old then. Jeez. I will get my hands on that once I get home. Somedays I like to just go through my box, thumbing through them all. The good and the bad memories.. at least I have them. I'm sure I'm going to keep a journal long into adulthood. And that's honestly okay with me. I neglect it lately and I feel a little bad for it.. but life is busy.

Enough rambling about journaling..

I really should start to work on this Textiles PowerPoint. For. Seriously.

"..let's go/outtttttt tonight/I have to go outttttt tonight/You wanna prowl/Be my night owllll."

Whee. I think my voice has SERIOUSLY improved since being in choir. It didn't ever really suck, but it has definitely gotten better. I rather like my voice.. I do wish I could hit the high notes though :/

Tagged by Ray.

I was tagged.. might as well.

4 Things I Did Today:

* Continued the whole going to all my classes, thing.. woo!
* Found out my mom may or may not have cancer, they don't know enough so they're removing the malignancy. Sad face.
* Put fabric in Acetone and Bleach in Textiles lab.
* Cut my finger on something at Walgreens.

4 Things On My To Do List:

* Powerpoint for Textiles.
* Powerpoint for Geography.
* Get rest of Halloween costume at Goodwill.
* Find a new job.

4 Guilty Pleasures:

* The Disney Channel (I'll admit it.)
* Project Runway.
* Chocolate.
* Buying movies.

4 Random Facts About Me:

* My eyes have been the same in their close to blindness until last week, now I have two different prescriptions and it is so weird.
* I don't pay my Wii as much as it's 250 dollar price tag should be played. Let me re-phrase, I don't play with my 250 dollar Wii often enough..
* I wish I had the willpower to lose weight, I always wish I was skinny.
* I daydream about the future a lot more often than I should.

4 Bloggers That I Am Tagging:

* http://rachelkoontz.blogspot.com/
* http://faithdoeswhatshewants.blogspot.com/
* http://e-girl-reflections.blogspot.com/
*

Whoever wants to.. I don't have a four.

My dreams are so weird and I need a new job.

I had the weirdest dream during my afternoon nap, it's a little too graphic to share. Trust me, you don't want to know the thoughts in my subconscious about my boyfriend and I. Anyway, I was living in some sort of vacation home on the ocean, and for some reason I lived with a large black woman and her 11 or so year old daughter. As usual, I only remember bits and pieces. But, I do remember the little girl walked in on my boyfriend in a rather naked state and he got really really mad at me because I didn't tell him that she had walked in the room.. weird.. not weird that he was mad, but weird that it even happened. Then, I'm on the deck with the little girl and the older woman and I'm talking about making BBQ and such things. The next thing I remember is standing in, what I guess was my room with my boyfriend and we were talking about the events of earlier. Then, I'm crossing an ocean on a rope along with 5 other girls, one of them is my roommate and the little girl is urging us on on the other side, and we're telling them to pull in the tension because we're too close to the water and then the rope snaps and I wake up.

Weird dreams.. I have incredibly weird dreams.

I've come to the realization that I need a new job. After getting a mere two days last week and a mere two days this week, I need a new job. The problem is finding one, I can't work all the time because of classes, so whoever my future employer is will need to work around that. But, it's normal in a college town, so I should be fine. It's the actual finding a job that I have to work on. I really like Buffalo Wild Wings, but I'm sick and tired of their bullshit. First they were going to let me be a server, I guess that fell through, I think they think I'm incompetent, which is bullshit. Now they are not giving me any hours. So the search is on and so far all I've considered is O'Charley's and NY&Company. Time for filling out applications and praying and whatnot.

The Spring of 2009.

I decided to organize Spring semester tonight. It looks pretty spiffy:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday:
JOUR300 9:10-10:05
SPAN102 10:20-11:15
DMT333 11:30-12:25
MUS340 12:40-1:35 (M, W)

Tuesday, Thursday:
SOCL300 9:35-10:55
JOUR343 11:10-12:30

Web:
ENG200

Hours = 19

A bit ambitious.. but.. I'm still attempting to graduate on time. It's a tiny hope. But, I might still be able to make it.

I just realized Rachel and I, if we both get our planned out schedules.. will have JOUR300, SPAN102, and MUS340 together on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.. I do believe that that is quite spiffy. Yay study buddy. And partner for projects.. and whatnots.

If I get it all and accomplished and whatnot.. grand total hours goes to 38. Which means if I took 19 hours Spring and Fall of my senior year, I could actually graduate on time.

Here's to hoping.

..I'm scared to death of getting out, but I still feel like I have a mission to get there on time. To prove something to my family and more importantly, myself.

After Spring 2009 semester for Fall '09/Spring '10 ('10.. that looks weird) I have these left:
ENG300
JOUR340: Creative strategy and copywriting [Spring JR (oops)]
JOUR443: Interactive Ad Design [Fall SR]
JOUR444: Advanced Interactive Ad Design [Spring SR]
JOUR...... Not decided on this yet.
JOUR...... Not decided on this yet.. maybe an interning
DMT131 (Maybe)
DMT231: Textiles and Apparel Quality Analysis
DMT322: Textiles and Apparel Merchandising I
DMT332: History of 20th Century Fashion (Excited)
DMT431: Clothing and human behavior (Also excited)
DMT...... I'm not decided about the last one

That's 36 hours that I need after the 18 that I take in the Spring.. That's 18 per semester, for the next 3 semesters. Choir counts as fun time and it's only an hour.. it helps my GPA a bit too. So, I can do it.. I can totally do it. I can graduate on time. I'll have to kill myself to do it, but I can actually do it.

I'm scared of the real world after I actually do it..

16 Things about me.

Originally on Facebook:

Ray tagged me.. and I have nothing better to do until my lab at 2:20. I maybe skipped my first class. I feel horrible though.. my voice is on its way to becoming pathetic.. sad times.

These are 16 things that you probably don't know about me:

1. One day I hope to be working at a major Advertising agency in a big city.. I'm scared that I'm never going to figure out how to get there.

2. Most movies that I purchase are impulse buys.. it's kind of like I collect them, but my collection provides me with at least an hour and a half of entertainment.

3. In the past I wanted to be a photojournalist, until I realized that you can't have a soul in the world of photojournalism. Imagine being the one taking a picture of the burning building where a woman is screaming that her son is inside in front of it. If you are not bothered by that.. maybe photojournalism is for you.

4. I'll admit it, I daydream about the future and how I hope my life will be.. where I will live.. what I'll be doing.. and all that stuff. I wish I could fast forward to 5 years from now and see if everything turned out like I hoped it would.

5. I usually skip at least one class every week. It's a bad, bad habit. All of my MWF classes, with the exception of choir, don't have attendance policies, that makes my habit worse. I've skipped 4 this week, and it's only Tuesday.

6. My roommate and I are convinced that we are turning into the same person.. which works for us, because we are quite awesome.

7. There is the tiniest possibility that my mom might have breast cancer. It worries me a whole lot more than it worries her. She tells me everyone is saying that it's probably nothing, but isn't that what they all say? At least we'll know in 48 hours.

8. Most of you have probably noticed, I have a horrible problem with eye contact. I have a bigger problem with it with guys than with girls. This summer my boss criticized me about it, it made me cry, and now I make a conscious effort to work on it every day. It is pretty bad when you have a hard time looking your own boyfriend in the eye :(

9. I have a good taste in clothes, my only problem is, I can't afford anything. So, while I want to be in the perfectly coordinated and accessorized outfit, I'm stuck in the jeans and t-shirt because of money.

10. In the fall of freshman year, I'm convinced that I was depressed. ..and if I had not met Ray and started hanging out with him on a daily basis, I think it would have gotten much, much worse. He gave me something to look forward to at the end of the day, before that all I had was my horrible dorm room to come home to.

11. When I get any extreme of emotion.. whether it be angry, sad, happy, grumpy, etc.. I have to journal it.. mostly for the angry/sad emotions.. but I rather enjoy writing about really happy times. Journaling has always helped me get my emotions out.

12. I'm horrible at giving advice, but I am very good at listening to people.

13. I have always been shy, but if you think I'm shy now, you should have seen me in high school, or even worse, middle school. Once I get to know people, I talk a lot more. I wish I could start a conversation with a stranger like my mom can.

14. In March, my best friend and I had a falling out, in April, we healed our wounds, I'm so glad we did.. no matter what.. I know she will be there for me and I will always be there for her.. we had our issues, we got them out, and now we're better for it.

15. I'm becoming a little bit obsessed with the Twilight series, but I still don't read them in my free time. I'm odd.

16. I've been sick for the past 4 weeks with some sort of sinus infection.. I should probably go to the doctor (yeah, I was running out of stuff to say).

Well.. that killed about an hour.. If I tagged you, either I mentioned you and/or I think you should do this too.

A rather splendid weekend.

It's Monday night, about 1 am, I guess the time stamp tells you that.. I just felt like pointing out the obvious. I just had one of the greatest weekends of my entire life. My boyfriend came down to Western. ..actually, it was probably THE greatest weekend of my whole life thus far. I wish every day could be like this weekend. I know we'll get there one day. And until then, a month or so is not that long to wait between visits. Even though it is killer, there are worse things.

This is the only time I'm saying this, because I've decided to not dwell on how long it is until I'm with my boyfriend again.. 36 days. Yeah, I'm going to try my best not to focus on that.. it usually makes me sad and then I cry and focus on those days and then they pass by like lead weights. So, it's 36 days.. and.. I'm just going to try to not think about it.

Anyway, this was a rather amazing weekend. Three little days of fun and friends and good times. When you put my roommate, my boyfriend, and I in the same room together.. high jinx tend to ensue. We have good times.

Le sigh.. it's how things should always be. And eventually, hopefully in a time sooner rather than later, it can be. It reminds me of the good times of spring semester freshman year. Countless hours of us having the best of times.. I miss the good old days.

I'd write more but, well, it's a little bit late.. I guess I should get to bed soon. I have a feeling I'm going to be a little emo kid and cry myself to sleep tonight.. I can't help but feel alone in my bed.. my boyfriend is missing from it. :(

I have ADHD, no surprise.

It's finally official, I have ADHD. Specifically the predominantly inattentive type, the world around me already knew that, but I had to pay 25 dollars and undergo 10 hours of testing to prove it to the medical world and my father.

I found out my I.Q is 108.. among many other things. It's really weird to read about yourself, trust me. I didn't realize I was getting an entire psychological work-up until.. I read my entire psychological work-up. It says I denied things like I was lying about them, which I wasn't, but it feels like it is saying that I was. Like I said.. very strange to read about yourself.

Well, I'm off to be evaluated for medication and get my last Gardisil shot now.. yay no HPV and other bad things. Ta ta.

Jon Stewart is the highlight of my day and other things.

The official highlight of my day is Jon Stewart's Daily Show on Comedy Central. It provides entertainment.. and.. well.. that's about it. Last night my boyfriend and I watched it, and the Colbert Show, together.. sort of. Well, we were on the phone watching the same thing, me.. here.. him in Oregon making me jealoussss.

I just cleaned my room to a sparkly clean.. our room is being photographed to appear in a brochure for HRL (Housing and Residence Life) today. I feel a little bit special.

Dream time.. I had an incredibly odd dream last night.. I only remember bits and pieces.. none of it is cohesive.

The first thing I recall is being in a grocery store shopping for diapers and baby powder. The store got robbed and I was escorted out by someone that looked very high government, but also looked like my boyfriend. It gets a little fuzzy until I'm back at what I assume is my parents' house, they say my baby is there.. but when I go to the crib, there's a kitten inside. I ask my mom where the baby is.. and she says what baby? I say, my baby! And she says, Hanna, you don't have a baby. Then, I ask her why I went to the grocery store and bought diapers and baby powder.. and things get a little fuzzy after that.. until, I'm suddenly in a car, with my best friend Faith and my mom. Faith is driving, I'm in the backseat and my mom is in the passenger seat. It is very dark outside and we are driving down a familiar road in my hometown.. and I think it's Christmas time. Faith crashes into the car in front of us and it looks like she smashes the entire car and flys over another two, to land safely near a stoplight. I'm yelling and screaming at her because she crashed my car. We get out.. assess the wreck.. the car we smashed is no longer smashed, but the driver looks unconcious.

And then I wake up.

I told you I have some odd dreams.

New feature.

Filling out a Myspace survey I came up with an idea that I think.. is a good one. It will be a feature on this blog.. dreams. I have odd, strange strange dreams. So, maybe somebody else can make some sense out of them.

Fall break.

The highlight of my weekend.. as lame and cheesy as this is going to sound.. was lying on my boyfriend's chest, against his fuzzy sweater, with my arms wrapped around his waist.. watching the Vice Presidential debate.. him adamantly watching, me drifting in and out of mini naps and making a comment here and there. He was running his hand through my hair like he always does in the most comforting way, it soothes me. And I just thought, this is how I want to spend every night.. well of course I want to be with him all the time.. but like, just lying on the couch cuddled against him.. there are not too many things that make me more happy and content than I am in those moments.

Just thought I would share. I had a pretty good weekend overall.

Thursday afternoon-Saturday afternoon was spent in Columbus, Ohio with boyfriend and his family, which, I'm finally past that whole, awkwardness of hanging around the house and stuff. I even successfully went to the bank and lunch with them on Friday and talked and stuff. And didn't feel really awkward.. I considered it a success. Thursday night we were going to watch Eagle Eye.. but that didn't work, so we rented 21 and ended up watching Iron Man and then Conan. Friday was the lunch thing.. and then I was kinda in a coma all day while he was at work.. I slept from 12:30 until 2 and then 4ish until 6:30.. then I watched TLC until I couldn't tolerate it anymore. Took a break.. did stuff.. was mostly lots of bored until he got home after 10. We did watch 21, it was pretty good. Saturday I had a hard time leaving on time, which I'm not really sorry about. We did lunch with his parents and just were kinda lazy and such until I left around 2ish. I only paid 3.18 for gas, that was pretty spiffy..

Saturday afternoon-Sunday afternoon was kinda like a college tour-ish thing.. well, I visited my cousin at Northern Kentucky University and my best friend Faith at the University of Louisville. I didn't stay very long at NKU because I sat about an hour and a half in traffic outside of Washington Courthouse, Ohio. I moved 4 miles in an hour and a half.. it was quite bull. I saw my cousin's dorm room, ate dinner, and went to the Fine Arts Center and looked at some of her art.. after that I had to drive to Louisville, my last destination for fall break, not counting Bowling Green, which, I'm not even there yet. Anyway, I saw her dorm room and her less than interesting roommate. Then we went over to visit the Spaghetti Factory, which was yummy, I had never been there before, and it was surprisingly inexpensive. Before the tip I ate delicious, I'd go as far as to say orgasmic spinach tortellini alfredo yummyness, bread, salad, and desert, plus a 4 dollar Italian soda, for just 14 bucks. Which, quite awesome. And so so soooooooo yummy. Afterward, it was off to Walmart to find bed things.. then back to the dorm, where her roomie was asleep already.. it was like 11:30.. so we called up her boyfriend and spent the night there. We watched 'Candy,' it had Heath Ledger in it and was a love story that involved heroin. Kinda good.. kinda gross.. kinda saddening. After the movie ended we dyed hair and had good times.. alcohol and hair dying.. equals spinny.. but.. things still worked out okay. My hair is a lovely chocolate-ish brown. Pictures soon. Eventually there was bed, I crashed on the couch.. I sleep with my boyfriend's hoodie, kinda treat it like a blanket.. I like the smell.. because it smells like him and it comforts me, I'm a little weird. Once we got out of bed and dressed, we went to lunch and then to the St. James Art fair. It was very much like every other year, the Graeter's was good though.

Now I'm home and well, as soon as my laundry is done I'm going to go pick up my roomie and head back to the BG.

It has been a rather good fall break. Back to the grind in less than 24.

Home.. but soon gone.

Home. It feels kind of good to be here. I like being around my mom and brother, but the overall environment is kind of depressing. I feel almost bad for running away to Ohio less than 24 hours after I got here, but at the same time.. I don't. I should be spending time with my family, but if I stayed here, it would be me, laying around the house, being bored. Well, visiting my boyfriend lacks a lot of visiting him.. he'll be gone from about 1 until 9 on Friday and that leaves me in the house alone to entertain myself. It kind of sucks.. but at least I get to see him the tiny bit of time that I do.

..long distance relationships are pretty much Godawful. We haven't seen each other since August 22nd.. I'm going up tomorrow, I won't get there until about 4:30.. then we have to sleep at some point.. he works 1 until 9 on Friday.. again with the needing sleep.. and then Saturday I'll probably need to leave around 12 or 1, probably closer to 1. But, it's really not much time together. We pretty much treasure every second that we actually do get, for the most part, it's kinda like we live together for that little period of time.. he joked today that I only visit for ulterior reasons, which, I like those.. but no.. of course not.. I just want to spend any time with him that I possibly can. I just want him to hold me in his arms. I want to be able to talk and interact with him. I just want to spend time with him. When I'm at school the long distance relationship kills me because it means I spend a whole, whole lot of my time alone and bored in my dorm room. And that admittedly makes me a little depressed at times. A long distance relationship probably isn't all that healthy for me, but, it's the path that I've chosen, and, though a difficult one, I still would not choose to have it any other way. Except, being with him without the distance, but that's not exactly up to me.

Hopefully, hopefully, November isn't the next time I see him after this time. Hopefully he comes down to WKU 2 weekends from this one. Hopefully. Then, we still don't have much time, but at least it's time.

I feel a little selfish choosing visiting him over staying with my family, but, I really, miss him more than them at this point. It's sad, but true. I'm currently worried that my mom might have breast cancer, we find out about that tomorrow.. I think.

I myself have a 9am cardiologist appointment and then a 3 hour plus drive ahead of me, so I should get to sleep now.

A lazy day.

I didn't do much of anything today. I didn't even leave the room. Tomorrow I have three classes and then nothing to do. I think I'll be going to the doctor, my ear is once again killing me.

Not much to blog about today. Because I didn't do much.. I just wish it was next week. Only six-ish more days until I get to go to Ohio and be with my boyfriend for the first time since August 22nd. Long distance relationships are such a bitch.. but.. we survive.. it just takes effort from both sides.

..Macroeconomics in about.. eight hours. I should sleep soon? Maybe.

My tumblr.

If you get bored.. in your free time visit: http://randomspots.tumblr.com/

It is chock full of random-y goodness.

First post.

The number of "first posts" I've had is probably astronomical. Woot for the internet.

Sooooooooo.. this is me:
20 years old.
A cancer.
Kentuckian.
College student.
Advertising major.
Design and textile merchandising minor.
Server at the Buffalo.
Boyfriend's lover.

..that's.. me in a nutshell. Just taking it day by day and hoping I make it through.

(Yes.. vagueness, details, maybe later..)

So, it's nearly 5:30am and I've been working since about 3:30am trying to get bullshit trojan horses out of my computer.. AND I SUCCEEDED! ..and I am proud of myself. In all actuality I accidentally stumbled on the cure. The trojan horse was actually a scheduled something that went off every hour, all I had to do was delete all the schedulings. ..I stumbled on it, but at least I found it, give me some credit. My friend Alex told me to run my anti-virus stuff in Safe Mode and it still didn't find anything. Long rambling short, I'm glad I figured it out without having to enlist the help of the technology department.. they were my next resort. ..so I guess whoever put that in my computer just wanted to annoy me.

At nearly 6am, when I don't have class the next day.. and I'm waiting for a virus scan on my computer to complete.. my mind drifts.. and I think a lot.. about a lot of stuff. I'm so specific, I know.

But, anyway, earlier tonight I was talking to my cousin, and the conversation went something like this:

Her: I'm going to drop out.
Me: Why..?
Her: Because I can't afford it.
Me: ..get loans?
Her: I won't be able to pay them off.
Me: You don't have to pay for them until you graduate.
Her: Well, I won't have the money then.. and I don't want my husband to have to pay for it.

..WTFBBQ?!? ..yeah, I just did that. But, I was seriously like.. what the fuck? My own cousin is merely going to college for that "Mrs" degree. What the hell is the point in going to college if you're only going to find a mate, who is apparently going to support you all on his own, because you are more than slightly old fashioned. I mean, hooray for you if you come to college and find the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.. but.. if you're seriously coming to college for the sole purpose of finding someone to marry, don't waste your money, you'll never do anything with the degree.. so why bother getting it?

I mean, she's mentioned it before, but I never knew she was the 1950s style, I raise the children and my husband supports us, type of mindset. If she had a boyfriend who she had been with at least a year or two, I would be a little more eased into her decision.. er.. understand her a little better.. but, this girl, has never had a boyfriend. And does not have the prospect of one. And she thinks she's going to marry someone and not work a day in her life. Right.

Get real. This is 2008. The economy is shit.. and the starting wage, if you're lucky, for most entry level positions is around 20-25 thousand. ..I tell her that, she tells me, well.. I don't need much, just an apartment and some food.. maybe a car. Get. Real.

She has lived a sheltered life.. her mom, my aunt, is very materialistic, and she can say she's not going to need that much as much as she wants, but my cousin is also materialistic.. covered in American Eagle labels.

..have I mentioned.. she doesn't even have a boyfriend? ..she's just crazy, it's her life.. but, she's very convinced in this mindset.. and I feel like I need to slap some sense into her or involve some outside help. I was talking to her friend and she says this has been my cousins mindset for at least 5 years now.

For someone like me to think about the future and stuff.. in the sense.. of.. things.. future.. whatnot.. well.. it's a little more realistic. However, unlike my cousin, in my scenario.. I, of course, want to work.. I want to be a successful career woman.. I'm not going to rely on a man for money. There is a reason I am killing myself in college right now. ..and I want to live in.. Ohio.. or Indiana.. or Tennessee.. maybe Illinois.. and work at an advertising agency, churning out fantastic creations on a daily basis. Or maybe be an advertising account executive, that also looks appealing to me. But I certainly do not even believe in the concept of stay at home mom. Christ, I want to do something with my life. I would kill myself if I had to be cooped up somewhere all day by myself with a screaming thing, ugh. Maybe one day I might want to be a "mommy" but that day is far off. My career is coming first, hence going to college.

End rant.. I think I've managed to go way, way off topic.